More pee vicar?
Name Matthew | Date Sunday 26 Oct 08, 21:02PM
Matthew Storey

So I was reminded on Friday morning by Shella that we had to see the vicar that evening but I had a busy itinerary planned - finish work at 4.30pm, squash at 5pm, pub at 6pm, and now vicar at 7.30pm.

I thought a couple of pints down the pub would quench my dehydration after squash, but instead I ended up causing myself an hour and a half of pain at the rectory.

We met the vicar just down the road in Littleton and chatted on an array of subjects from sex to babies, hymns to candles. All seemed to be going well until 20mins into the meeting when I suddenly got that 'I need to pee right now' feeling. I hoped the feeling would go away but it slowly got worse and worse until I started sweating and fidgeting. Shella could sense something was up and probably thought as I have the attention span of a gnat my mind was probably on the paella I was going to have for tea.

So why didn't I just stick my hand up like a schoolboy in class and ask to use the loo you may ask? Let me explain. Well there are two female vicars in our parish. The one that is marrying us lives in Eastleigh and uses the other vicar's office on the side of her house for meetings, so to ask her if I could someone else's loo was not really on, and I realised that I just had to stick it out.

After an hour I was almost crying with pain and our vicar isn't short of words. Two scenarios came to mind:

1. I'd left my mobile phone in the car and left the car open so needed to lock it.
2. I was going out at 8.30pm so needed to leave.

Both of these excuses would have meant I pee'd in the vicar's driveway. Would I have ever been forgiven? At that moment in time I didn't care. I can always remember the times as a kid when Best Man Jon and I would play footie up the local rec in Kings Worthy and he always needed a poo, but he had this strange trademark where he'd curl one and put a stick through it like a flag. Once I remember he even did it on the grass tennis courts at our primary school which was adjacent to the rec. Why he did this I really don't know and I really am surprised that we never made it into the local crime section of the Winchester Extra. Maybe you'd like to ask him on the wedding day or even on the stag do. And please feel free to ask him why he always insisted on showing me.

Anyway, I digress. The pain feeling was still bad after an hour and a half and we finally left at 9pm and funnily enough I ended up weeing in my own driveway after not quite making the loo! So for spoiling my evening with pain I feel I should thank Andrew Thompson, Danny Kyle and Robbie Shearman who all joined me in having a couple of beers at the pub before my meeting at the rectory. Oh, and I should like to thank them too for the 'group text' they sent me whilst enduring my pain at the vicar's; they each sent one word each which said 'more' 'tea' 'vicar', with the vibrations from my phone piercing my bladder like a needle going through a balloon full of water.

Thanks guys.

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