A wee issue
Name Shella | Date Saturday 21 March 09, 19:02PM
Shella Smith

It feels like we have done nothing but run this week.  The marathon is only 4 weeks away now so we should both be at the peak of our physical fitness.  However, as I write this, Matt is limping along with a bad knee and I've got the equivalent of lockjaw in my hips.  We both attempted to do a 20 mile run this morning, which Matt finished in style (2 hours 44 minutes) but sadly I had to call for the recovery car (Matt came and picked me up) after 16 miles due to tummy troubles.  I knew things were going to be bad when I had to take a little detour to the recreation centre after 8 miles. 

Anyone who knows me will know that I take great care to always try to look well groomed, with full make up and rarely a hair out of place.  However, it seems that running long distances makes you lose all sense of dignity, like when I ran the Fleet half marathon last week.  I managed to tip half a bottle of bright orange Lucozade Sport down my chin and didn't give a toss.  I think I even produced a spit bubble at one point.  Matthew reckons he was running with a big bogey hanging out of his nose for a couple of miles and couldn't of cared less.  And I've never seen so many women weeing in the bushes before the race. 

If you've ever seen that clip of Paula Radcliffe squatting to do a wee in the gutter in full view of millions of  TV viewers you'll know what I mean.  In her autobiography, she even says that she's pooed in her pants to avoid stopping and losing valuable time.  And our Uncle Manis always tells us about a time when he was watching a marathon and saw a runner with suspicious looking stains down his legs.  I hasten to add that I have never stooped that low, hence my detour to the recreation centre this morning.  However, Matthew came very close when he was out running earlier this week.  He suddenly had a gut-wrenching stomach cramp and knew that he had to make a pit-stop, immediately, before things got rather messy.  Rather conveniently he was running down a quiet country lane (near the golf course in case you walk your dog in the vicinity.  Avoid at all costs!), so he popped into the bushes, pulled down his shorts, and it was all over in a few seconds.  His sense of relief was short-lived though when it suddenly dawned on him that he didn't have any tissues.  Lucky for him, it was at this point he discovered that doc leaves can do more than just relieve nettle stings.

Matthew assures me that he's not been caught short in this manner since he was a toddler on holiday in Bude with his mum and dad.  They were queuing in a fish and chip shop when the young Matthew suddenly deposited a poo out of the bottom of his shorts and onto the floor.  His mum calmly reached into her handbag, retrieved a tissue, picked up the offending plop and put it into her handbag.  Now that's motherly love for you.  Rather bizarrely, whilst on holiday in near Bude a few years ago, Matt made me traipse all around the town so that he could show me the exact fish and chip where this unpleasant incident occurred.  I can assure you that I will NOT be revisting the scene of his most recent toilet mishap.

Cheese - don't leave home without it

Cheese - don't leave home without it

And now you know why women carry such big handbags - you never know what might be lurking inside next to the lipstick and car keys.  Next time you bump into my sister Kelly, be sure to ask what's in her handbag.  I've spent many amusing evenings sifting through its contents.  Admittedly, she's never produced a poo wrapped in tissue (at least not yet) although she does carry loads of scented nappy sacks for her dog, Ben.  Perhaps Matthew should carry these when out running in future.  She always carries the entire contents of a large pharmacy with her.  But the best finds yet have been a fag packet with an old throat sweet and bits of fluff stuck to it, a spare pair of shoes and also several slices of peelable cheese.

Don't forget you can still sponsor us for the London Marathon. Here's the link to do so online - it only takes a few minutes and remember to tick gift aid:

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