Shella
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Monday 01 Dec 08, 21:47PM
I went bridesmaid dress shopping with my mum and sister this weekend. Regular readers of the blog will know that the run up to the wedding has caused me to become very vain and this weekend forced me to scrutinise my appearance once again. We were in a posh bridal shop in Chiswick and had already been told that they were very busy and therefore Kelly would have to get changed in a cupboard - literally. This reminds me of when Boris Becker got his pecker out for waitress inside a cupboard and emerged with a baby. Matt has the dubious claim to fame of having seen Boris Becker's pecker when he wee'd next to him at Wimbledon a couple of years ago. Boris, looking shy and shady decided to pee with his back to everyone else apart from Matt who was directly next to him. It wasn't a case of 'new balls please' until Boris had disappeared.
Timmy Mallet's mouth
Anyway, I digress. As my sister got changed, mum and I were looking round the shop when the bride-to-be emerged from the changing room wearing a huge white meringue. Now I am a big fan of meringue dresses (I still think Jordan's pink wedding dress was understated) but this lady, probably in her late forties and therefore no spring chicken, somehow looked a bit wrong. I know it's incredibly bitchy (after all, why should huge white frocks be reserved for the young?) but I just couldn't help it when the words 'mutton dressed as lamb' popped into my head. And then I suddenly realised that, whilst I'm not exactly over the hill, I'm certainly not in the first flush of youth either. Agghhh!! What if I look like mutton coming down the aisle? Oh well - too late now - the dress has already been purchased.
And my quest for the perfect wedding figure, to be achieved through training for the London marathon, continues apace. But I almost ruined everything by tripping over and nearly breaking my nose this evening when I ran in to a wheely bin after some plonker left it in the middle of the pavement. It was dark at the time so that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. Matt however, had no such excuse when he walked into a bollard in broad daylight in the middle of Southampton High Street last year. He was rushing down to Snappy Snaps doing a fast walk (Matt only has little legs so it was probably more like a Benny Hill sped up walk) when the crowd in front of him parted and he was met by the bollard in the middle of the pavement. He speared his goolies and ended up doing a somersault over the bollard and landing in a heap whilst passers by could only look and laugh whilst Matt had comedy stars whizzing around his head.
Matt also keeps complaining that I don't feed him properly although I think he might have worms! Talking of worms and creepy crawlies, has anyone been watching I'm a Celebrity this year?
I've been most disturbed by Timmy Mallet's mouth. It has more contours than a rollercoaster ride at Alton Towers. And as for that hyena noise he emmits I actually can't believe this man was my idol in the mid-eighties on Wacaday. Matt used to fancy Michaela Strachan but it wasn't too long before he, like most teenage boys in the 80's, moved onto Anneka Rice in her Treasure Hunt days. Can't say I blame him - she did have a great rump!
