Well, dazed, confused and trying to piece together the last 5 days I can only sit back and recall the most memorable and funniest time I’ve ever had.

From throwing poor Darren Churcher head first into a punching bag game to seeing Nick Judd doing his best Eyeball Paul impression by ‘drinking’ a vodka shot through his eye. Memories captured on film thanks to Marc Flye that would have been fairly vague otherwise.

We met at Southampton Airport at 8.15am on Wednesday, and to be met by so many friends was quite overwhelming, but it wasn’t long before we hit the bar. I suddenly realised when you are the stag you will have many drinks bought for you and mainly drinks you don’t like – Whisky , Treble Vodka...you name it.

The plane journey was the rowdiest I think any of us had experienced. Peanut throwing seemed to be the order of the day and even the Air Stewardesses were ducking for cover. At one point best man Jon got up on the tannoy to announce our arrival.

At Palma airport I thought I’d look for the toilets without realising the transfer bus had everyone on board and nearly drove off without me. Had that been the case I’d never have found my way to Magaluf considering  the state I was in.

The hotel itself was ok – central Magaluf and a nice pool, rooms reasonable. It wasn’t long before I was stripped naked and dumped into the pool – and all my mates keep telling me I got off lightly.

I have to say, the first night in Magaluf was a bit of a blur but the good thing is the stag gets free drinks in every bar we go in. So how did I manage to spend so much every night then?

I do remember having a KFC at 6am with Guy Davis although may I stress this was the earliest night I got back. Every other night was 7.30am. The problem is I was waking up at 10.30am due to the amount of Vodka Red Bull’s I was having. I also discovered the classic northern late night snack of chips and gravy was a winner with me; by day two I was converted.

So, the second day of the holiday and the first day of Superstars had us by the pool for the pool relay, gym test and eating competition.  There were no casualties from day one so there was a full turn out for event one in which team members had to swim the length of the pool wearing goggles, snorkel and knickers.

Event two was the seven man boat race where members had to row their boat whilst each person downed a beer and then had to race to dry land. Cheating was rife here and Andy Salter tried to sabotage the black team’s fast pace by adding vodka to our beer.

The eating competition was next in which chosen team members had to eat an orange, followed by the next person eating a tomato, then the last two members eating 3 Cream Crackers.  Again there was cheating involved when Paul Copping dipped his cracker in his beer to make it easier to eat.  The real champ was Guy for the black team who ate a giant beef tomato faster than The Great Soprendo could make it disappear. A top performance by him helped the blacks to victory in this event.

The night time of day two gave us the most memorable moment of the whole stag do. The punching bag game is very popular in Magaluf. Every bar seems to have one.  You basically punch the ball and get scored for how hard you’ve hit it. Someone had the great idea off hoisting Darren Churcher up on a few shoulders and charging him head first at the punch bag. The outcome you can see on the right. It proved to be one of the funniest moments of the stag do. How Darren (aka wee man) didn’t break his neck I do not know.

Not to be outdone we shortly had Nick Judd doing his best Eyeball Paul impression from the film Kevin and Perry by ‘drinking’ a shot of Vodka through his eye. After that he also snorted another shot of Vodka through his nose! Unbelievable but true.

This set the tone for the stag do – bizarre incidents captured on film by the resident cameraman, Marc Flye.

It was down to the beach for day three activities. First up was the beach relay. Simple. On three different cones was a pair of knickers, a snorkel and goggles which you had to put on then tag your next team member. Next up was the football dribbling challenge where you had to go round cones and shoot at the goal which had human goalposts.  This was a challenge that even the self proclaimed best midfielder in Winchester (Nick Judd) struggled with by taking a shot that hit Gav Fly who was just spectating.

The final event was the long jump. With the black team (my team) trailing in second place, we needed a big jump from our two competitors, myself and George Roberts.

Just before he was about to jump George quietly whispers in my ear that he used to be County champion at long jump. George then delivered a mammoth jump, arguably the biggest jump ever seen on a beach. With just the football tournament left for Superstars, the blacks were top of the leader board on 40 points, Reds on 36, Greens on 30 and Blues on 28. We had a whale of a time. Talking of whales, some of the boys saw Kerry Katona on the beach enjoying herself in the sun.

The Superstars had a day off on the fourth day and it was time to relax with a lie in and chill out by the pool.  Saturday night however was the big one - Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo.

What a fantastic turn out it was, all 30 of us made a real effort to dress up in our Breakdance gear, something that maybe Magaluf has never seen.  Tony Rogers appeared in the tightest orange hotpants you have ever seen. And made one of the quotes of the holiday, ‘I wished I’d watched the film now!’.

The evening had lots of head spinning, caterpillars and general camp dancing. The customary squared lino was even brought out with ghettoblaster which allowed us to stop on the streets and entertain Magaluf. Plus there was a 31st attendee when Ross Lewis came over from Palma for the night and stayed on to be involved in the football tournament the following day.

The night ended with some tired feet so we sat on the pavement with some chips and gravy only to be suddenly surrounded by 5 Nigerian prostitutes who wouldn’t leave us alone. Guy decided he’d had enough of wearing his breakdance canvas boots so took them off and launched them  towards  the bin. With that a prostitute wandered over and nudged the boots behind the bin. The next minute she reappeared wearing them! Strange but true!

After another heavy night out, it was up early for the football tournament and the final event, the crossbar challenge.

Being a Sunday we were limited to when we could book the court as the sports centre was on a half day. So being mad Brits we booked the hottest part of the day, 1pm til 2pm.

After an opening 0-0 draw the black team started to turn on the style and put yours truly up front and producing a devastating effect in the mould of Gary Lineker during  the 1986 World Cup and finishing with 5 goals and getting the golden boot.

Needless to say even a dubious opening penalty by the diving Andy ‘Drogba’ Thompson in the final didn’t stop the black team winning the tournament with a 2-1 win.

So with the standings now having the black team on 50 points,  reds on 44, greens on 32 and blues on 28 only the crossbar challenge could prevent them being caught with 10 points up for grabs for anyone that hit the bar.

Some close efforts occurred but step up Darren Ede of the red team who was the only person to hit the bar.
The blacks were devastated and the reds won by 4 points.

In the evening we had the team presentation night and Mr and Mrs quiz in Palm Beach restaurant on Magaluf seafront.

The awards were as follows:

 

• Best Breakdance fancy dress award – Ashley Garland
• Soldiering on through injury award – Guy Davis for slipping and bruising his shoulder and toe
• Sherpa Tenzing award for climbing Sugar Mountain – Duncan McAlear for taking the short cut home
• Funniest moment – Darren Churcher (aka Wee Man) for the Battering Ram video
• Best quote of the stag do – “I wish I’d watched the movie now” - Anthony Rogers  dressed like a night out at G.A.Y club for his Breakdance fancy dress
• Hardest punch on the punchbag game – Paul Copping for a respectable 635
• Best sporting achievment in Superstars – ex-County champion George Roberts in the long jump.
• Winning captain in Superstars – Andrew Thompson for the red team
• Taking one for the team – Nick Judd – for ‘drinking’ Vodka through his eye
  
  

After the awards came the Mr and Mrs competition where I found out Shella knew more about me than I knew about her.  One question to Shella was ‘do I prefer Lassie or The Littlest Hobo’. Hobo was the correct answer which brought on a 30 man rendition of the classic song and became the anthem of the holiday, sung as we left every pub on the last night.

All that was left was to give an old lady riding a mobility scooter a guard of honour along the seafront...twice.

Rather unfortunately we were then given two bottles of Sambuca in the next bar rather than the usual one and once again the dentists chair began, assuring there would be no quiet last night.

The final lasting memory must surely be in one of the bars when we all danced together, jumping up and down and stage diving (which became the norm in every bar), then finding a midget sat in the corner banging some bongos (who appeared to be employed there), befriending him and egging him on to do the last stage dive.

What a fantastic stag do and thanks to best man Jon and every person that attended.

Hopefully most of the people on the stag do will come along to the reunion at the wedding reception next week.