I should probably start by introducing myself; I am Matt’s Usher, Ashley/Ash/The Monk. I got this nickname after spending 3 months in ‘The Monastery’ (our friend Duncan’s house) last year, so that I could save money for Matt’s Wedding/Stag doo!

I have known Matt/Flossy/Sport Billy since we were four years old, so it is truly an honour to be one of his Ushers on the big day. I can honestly say that I have never seen Matt so nervous as he has been over the past few weeks, as the big day draws ever nearer. As if anyone needed reminding the ‘big day’ is not far away! Matt is obviously starting to feel excited and nervous, will he get there on time? Will he mess up his words? Will his outfit be ready? Will everyone arrive at the right place at the right time? Will he fall over or pass out? Well, I can assure everyone that Matt will arrive at the airport on time, wearing the right outfit for the plane, and if he falls over on the beach or night club dance floor, he will have 29 stags to pick him up, dust him off, and send him to the bar again!

Anyway, back to what I am here for, I have been asked to do an update on the preparation stags have been doing ahead of Magaluf. Areas covered include physical training for the ‘Superstars’ contest, beach etiquette preparation, and bars/clubs skills training!

I have managed to contact a few of the stags for an update, and can report the following: Guy has really been ahead of the game, and has been jogging with Matt for many months, although he has recently told me that he can confirm that Matt has been wearing fake tan on his legs. As you can see from the photo of Guy, he has also been hard at work lifting weights at the ‘Monastery’, he actually started off lifting the empties and progressed to the unopened cans!

Usher Matt, has been cycling up to 16 miles, and as you can see from the photo the biceps are well on the way to meet perfection ahead of  that all important first day beach pose. He has also been practising his Salsa moves with his personal instructor, so look out for him on the dance floor in Magaluf, and at the wedding reception.

Duncan ‘Sir Alan’, has been hard at work on his Xbox. I am told that this will help ensure that his reflexes are sharp, ready for the Superstars contest. Duncan is an accountant so will be able to help any stags with those tricky pound to euro conversions at the bar or lap dancing club! (personally if she is gorgeous I will take her word for it, and just hand over my Euros with a smile!).

Scotty (Paul Cairney) is in full training despite his specialist advising against alcohol, I am pleased to report that as of writing he is on a ‘all day’ drinking session due to the FA cup final, and it is great to see him taking his alcohol consumption training so seriously. Scotty will also be spending some training time sitting with his feet in a bowl of sand, as he hates getting sand between his toes on the beach. Watch out for Scotty’s ‘Wee Snoozes’ in Magaluf, they are very regular.

Anyone who knows me well, will know that I am 100% OCD, and planning ahead is my forte. As such I thought I would share some of my preparation thoughts ahead of Magaluf.

1. 

   Easy rider - Usher Matt does his best catalogue pose

    

   Nicorrete patches for the flight (smokers only)

2. Wrap around sun glasses, do not want to get caught peeking on the beach.

3. Ear plugs, I am sharing with at least two stags who snore.

4. PG tips tea bags, and coffee. Can't always find PG tips abroad, and coffee is expensive!

5. At least one toilet roll, toilet roll abroad is always naff, and never enough for four guys sharing!

6. Portable cd player, will need to play our ‘Electric Boogaloo’ music before we go out!

7. List of essential Spanish phrases to carry in wallet: “more beer please”, “where is my apartment?” (essential at 4am when you forget the name of your apartment, town, or even what country you are in!), “Are you coming back for coffee or what?”, “Please help me, I have lost my 29 friends!”, “you are sitting on my deckchair!”, “Can I have two dances for the price of one please?”.

Anyway, I have enjoyed being the guest blog writer this week, and look forward to seeing you either on the stag do, or on the wedding day.

P.S. I can confirm that shades are to be worn at all times, starting from the airport!